Defamation and the Internet

The Justice Minister has issued a warning that our defamation laws apply to Facebook and other ’social media’ websites.

Justice Minister Ahern: A complete bollix

“Anyone who puts anything up there has to understand that it can go round the world in a few seconds to a huge number of people” he announced in that annoying way he does.

“I think quite a number of people – both in public and indeed private life – have been slandered by comments that have been made on some of these internet sites” the big smelly fool said.

An unnamed member of the Dail who was contacted for comment last night said "Don't listen to that eejit. No one likes him here, not since he started crying for his mother on his first night"

"We only let him be Justice Minister because he threatened to invade Poland otherwise"

"And he smells of piss" added another TD who declined to be named.

Rumors as to the Minister's wild homosexual lifestyle have yet to be confirmed or circulated as of going to press this morning.

Ministry For Zoology Report:

The Celtic Tiger

Fact or Fiction?

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After a pain staking search conducted under the authority of the Minister for Zoology it has announced today that the so called Celtic Tiger is in fact merely a myth.

"The habitat is all wrong for such a big cat." he said "While there may be lots of large housing estates around the country for it to live in. There isn't anyone living in any of them so it wouldn't have anything to eat." he added

Following multiple reports in the mid nineteen nineties of sightings our then Taoiseach Bertie Ahern pledged to have the animal found and exterminated.

An early reputed sighting

However following a lengthy investigation by a cross party Dail working group, including fact finding safaris in the African Savannah and Las Vegas the animal has been proved to be merely

product of the heated imaginations of a small group of wildlife speculators and enthusiasts.

A wildlife enthusiast, yesterday

Many have questioned the vast amounts of money spent in the hunt for this creature.

They have been told to fuck off.

Revolutionary New Form of Voting to be Introduced

The Government is pleased to announce the introduction of a revolutionary form of e voting: Robotic Voting!

This new method of balloting the populace promises to remove the embarrassing reliance on pencils which has forced many of our electorate to mistakenly vote for the wrong non-government approved candidates.

Robotic Voting on the other hand is 100% accurate more accurate than traditional voting methods!

In tests the robot selected the Destiny's Commando 83% more than a sample group of fleshy voters.

This new system is also completely automated thereby removing the monotonous chore of exercising constitutionally conferred rights!

Critics have claimed that a Referendum is required to allow the robotic system to replace the archaic pencil and paper method.

The Government responds that the Referendum has already been passed. The robot has voted 99.9% in favour with a 0.5% margin for error, known in robotic voting circles as the 'Green Error'.

Concerns that this new system has negatively effected the Government's policies towards killing all humans and free servo servicing for every thousand ballots cast has proved unfounded. Robotic polling has shown that the country is 101.4% in favour of this bold new direction.

Tightening up of Financial Regulation

Financial Regulations Press Release

Per the Minister for Finance announcement that "substantial additional staff with the skills, experience and market-based expertise will be appointed to the Irish Financial Services Regulatory Authority.

Those recruited will also have the expertise to regulate the international financial services sector."

The government is please to announce the creation of new tighter Regulations, exerts of which are included below.

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Financial Regulations Act (2009)

Section 10.

The regulator will be responsible, subject to section 14, for all control of regulation of the financial services industry.

Section 11.

All transactions, both national and international, will only be valid once the regulator's approval has been granted , subject to section 14.

Section 12.

The government will accept no liability for acts or omissions on the part of the Regulator.

Section 13.

All financial institutions must comply with the ethical and consumer protection standards within Schedule Four, subject to section 14.

Section 14.

Any and all provisions of this act, section 14. included, will not apply where

1. The court determines such sections do not apply
2. The Minister proclaims a Financial Institution to be exempt
3. There is not enough time to comply
4. It is too much effort to comply.
5. No T.D. , Senator, local government functionary or person grossing over one million Euros per year will be affected.

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Interview With Brian Cowen Released to Media.